Thanks for coming back to the blog. I really appreciate your time and patience (and, I know, I owe you ice cream now).
So, without further delay, An Interview with Our Good Friend S. G. Browne (yes, he was nominated for the Bram Stoker Award for Breathers: A Zombie’s Lament last year and his website is S. G. Browne – look him up, drop him a line, stay out of his trunk!).
Okay, you know how this works. Ready?
1.) If you could drop something off the top of the Eiffel Tower , what would it be, and why?
A guacamole-filled water balloon. I remember seeing Letterman do it on his show years ago and loved the way the green exploded on the street below. And if you throw a bag of tortilla chips after, then you’ve got an appetizer. It’s a win-win.
2.) If you were stuck on Gilligan’s Island , whom would you kill first? Who would you eat first if it came down to a Donner Party situation?
I’d kill the script writers, who kept finding ridiculous ways to keep me from getting off the island. But if I have to kill one of the castaways, then I guess I’d go with the Skipper. He’s taking up more of my food rations than anyone else. And I’d eat Ginger. I mean come on, what kind of a loaded question is that?
3.) Do you think cows really spontaneously explode or are aliens coming down and doing that shit just to mess with us?
While they do explode, it’s not spontaneous. They just all eat wafer thin mints. Which, of course, are given to them by the aliens.
4.) What’s the worst concert you’ve ever been to and what made it so horrible?
I saw Beck at the Fillmore in May 2006. He kept cutting short his lyrics and looking around, bored and apathetic. And he didn’t sing Debra.
5.) If you had to eat a book, which one would you choose? Would you cook it first? Would you eat the cover or the pages first?
Fahrenheit 451. I’d eat it raw from cover to cover. Then it would become part of me forever. Or at least until I had to go to the bathroom.
6.) Say you were stuck in an elevator for twenty-two days and you had your iPod with you. Which song would you play so much that you’d never listen to it again once you got out?
Why twenty-two days? Why not twenty-one? Or twenty-five? Or forty days in the desert? But I guess I’d go with “Love Shack” by the B52s. It’s already worn thin, so I wouldn’t be losing much.
7.) Does sunlight make you sparkle? Like, would people at the beach be scared of you? (That would be so cool to freak people out like that.)
No. Sunlight should not make anyone sparkle, be they obsessive, co-dependent vampires or otherwise.
8.) Have you ever gone to the Rocky Horror Picture Show in costume? Who were you?
Umm, I’ve never gone to The Rocky Horror Picture Show, in costume or otherwise. And I’ve never seen it on video. Yes, I’m a Rocky Horror virgin.
9.) Has a bird ever pooped on you? Do you believe that’s good luck? (I don’t.)
At least three times. Once on my hand in college, once on my shirt in high school, and once in my hair in Paris . If it’s good luck, then someone needs to explain why because it doesn’t make sense to me. I’d rather sparkle in the sunlight.
10.) What kind of candy did you give kids on Halloween? Or did you dress up and go trick-or-treating yourself?
I was driving from Seattle to Portland on a five hour energy drink, so there was no candy handed out and no costumes or trick-or-treating to be seen. But I would have handed out Snickers because it’s my favorite candy bar. That way I could have enjoyed the leftovers.
11.) Why do we always tease you about keeping dead hookers in the trunk of you car, and do you really?
It all started when I was going to Las Vegas this past summer with some friends for a bachelor party and I made a Twitter comment about hoping not to end up losing a tooth or finding a tiger in my bathroom, which was a reference to the film The Hangover. I followed that up with the comment that it sounded better than saying I hope we didn’t end up with any dead hookers, which was a reference to another (and in my opinion, better) bachelor-party-gone-wrong film, Very Bad Things. After that, the whole dead hooker thing just kept coming up. And I drive a Jetta, which has enough trunk spaces for several dead bodies, so there you go. And no, I don’t keep dead hookers in the trunk of my car. That would be silly. And asking for trouble.
12.) How did you get chosen to go to that super-exclusive writer’s retreat? If you go next year, can you shove me in your suitcase (I’m pretty small)?
I was invited by the organizer, who was trying to keep the retreat small and manageable. For some reason, I rated on the hot list. And considering the previous question, I’m not so sure it’s a good idea to stow away in the trunk of my car.
Scott’s new book FATED is in bookstores now — go grab a copy!!! You can find the links at S. G. Browne’s Website.
THANK YOU, SCOTT!