Some of us are afraid of clowns. I am not. I was a little surprised when the much-feared Attic Clown who inhabits the attic of my friend, Jeremy C. Shipp, dropped by for an interview. Jeremy and his wife have been tormented by this clown for some time. He wanted to talk about his more serious side (I thought the depth of his knowledge makes him even scarier, not that I’m scared, even now). Let’s see what makes this Attic Clown tick. The following is what I learned of this fiend.
1.) I hear you are a highly educated clown, possessing a Ph.D. in Biomechanical Engineering. What was your dissertation on and did you really have a hand in the development of a new artificial hip combining ceramic materials with the traditional metals?
It’s a common misconception that clown colleges only benefit those with an interest in clowning. These days, clown universities offer a wide range of degrees and certification programs, from Biomechanical Engineering to Educational Psychology to Rubber Poultry Farming. My dissertation involved computer simulations of theoretical prosthetic clown nose surgeries. And yes, I did have a hand, or claw, in the development of a new artificial hip. I also engineered an artificial funny bone using porcelain clown fragments.
2.) As we all know from basic science courses, cellular respiration results in the production of ATP. What if the process instead resulted in the production of LSD? How would that affect your diet? Would you be swayed to assume a zombie-like existence, feeding on human flesh in order to get high and fuel your “bad clown” behavior?
Attic clowns lack 5-HT2 receptors, and so we react to LSD differently from humans. When LSD enters our system, our rainbow blood cells vibrate, causing a somewhat silly condition known as hyperjigglecellularism. When an attic clown suffers hyperjigglecellarism, he can communicate only through interpretive dance, and in order to relax his frenetic cells, he must eat slow foods such as molasses and sorghum syrup.
3.) Now, I understand that you reside in the attic of Mr. & Mrs. Jeremy Shipp, yes? What is their attic like? Is there a black hole in the middle of all the duct work? Assuming their attic does contain a black hole, what really happens as you approach the event horizon? Do you feel the gravitational time dilation or is it an illusion of some kind?
Not to sound egotistical, but our attic’s black hole is the center of all that is, and what you call the universe has already crossed our event horizon. What you perceive as reality is simply an illusion, as you and your entire Universe hit our singularity about 13.7 billions of years ago. That being said, Jeremy’s attic is a rather quaint place with a rustic charm.
4.) Do you suppose Friedrich Nietzsche’s writing the first part of Thus Spoke Zarathustra in only ten days contributed to his subsequent mental breakdown? I mean, that is a lot for just ten days’ work.
Some humans blame his breakdown on syphilis or brain cancer, but I, as the embodiment of evil, am privy to the truth. The simple truth is that Nietzsche spent too much time looking at the abyss. And if you stare long enough into the abyss, the abyss giggles back at you. The giggle happened on a cold morning in the streets of Turin when Nietzsche witnessed a horse being beaten by an old man. Nietzsche had witnessed such beatings on many occasions in his lifetime, only this time he recognized God in the horse. At first, Nietzsche thought that this horse was God, and so he threw his arms around the beast and tried to protect her. Later, Nietzsche realized that God was always right in front of his nose. The only problem was that he was always looking the other way. That was the joke, but Nietzsche’s mind didn’t really appreciate attic clown humor, and so his psyche shattered like a porcelain clown.
5.) Supposing a wax museum were to make a statue in your image, would you be cast as a.) a “whiteface”, b.) an auguste, c.) a contra-auguste, or d.) some other type of traditional American clown (hobo, tramp, bum)?
After I die, I want a yard gnome shaman to transmogrify my body into a statue, and I want to be cast as an auguste, like my father before me. Years after my death, my son will deny his heritage, but one day he’ll return to his roots, and he’ll take my remains into himself. He will become me, I will become him, and everything that has happened will happen again, forever and ever. And with this knowledge burning in my skull, I will continue my journey to become an Überclown.
6.) What led you out of academia and medicine and into the world of clowning?
I was raised a clown, but I turned my back on my heritage the day a yard gnome shaman transmogrified my parents into porcelain statues. On that day, I decided that being a clown was too dangerous, so I painted my face and wore a wig and crammed my giant feet into tiny shoes. I did everything in my power to pass for human. Then, when I was 218 years old, I began to dematerialize. And I realized that an attic clown who doesn’t live in an attic and who doesn’t clown around isn’t an attic clown at all. Once the truth hit me, I instantly became a born-again clown and I embraced my true self. Out of respect to my heritage, I shaped my parents’ remains into a pair of funny bones and transplanted them into my body.
7.) What is your opinion of the Ute myths regarding Siats, the cannibalistic clown?
The Siats gives clowns a bad name. Clowns aren’t man-eating monsters. We’re soul-slurping demonoids. There’s a difference.
8.) If you could go back to work in some “normal” occupation, would you return to medicine or would you do something else?
If I couldn’t be an attic clown anymore, I would become a writer named Jeremy C. Shipp, and I’d spend much of my time writing about attic clowns.
9.) Does your IQ qualify you to be a member of a high IQ society, such as Mensa or The Prometheus Society? Are you in fact a member of any such organization?
Attic clowns don’t take IQ tests, as these tests are culturally loaded to reflect human knowledge, values, and conceptions of intelligence. I do have a high CIQ, and I’ve been a member of Clownsa for over four hundred years. During our meetings, we spend much of our time trying to figure out how to cure hyperjigglecellarism, as this is the only clown disease in existence. We also discuss topic such as the socio-economic impact of pies in the face.
10.) Do you ever have philosophical conversations with Jeremy? Are you contemplating writing a book of your own, perhaps taking one of Jeremy’s classes?
During my conversations with Jeremy, I try to lead him into the black hole that exists where my heart should be, but Jeremy almost always manages to look away from the abyss into the light. He is an annoyingly hopeful person, and of course that just makes his soul that much more enticing. When I’m not tormenting Jeremy or the Universe, I do spend a few hours of the day working on a book about myself and my people. I’m hoping that when humans read my book, they’ll laugh and scream at the same time. I will never take one of Jeremy’s classes, because his classrooms are always lousy with yard gnomes. Were I in his class, I would surely anger a yard gnome shaman, and I’m not ready to die yet. There are still so many bones to tickle, and so many souls to slurp.
Thank you so much for chatting with me, Attic Clown. I am thankful for escaping with all my limbs and digits in tact, and I look forward to chatting with you again. I wish you much screaming hysteria, but, please keep the Shipps safe.
Follow this guy @TheAtticClown on Twitter.
August 16th, 2010 at 8:37 am | edit
medical school
2010/07/18 at 4:00 am
thank you..!!
August 16th, 2010 at 8:37 am | edit
jeremycshipp
2010/07/16 at 2:21 am
Attic clowns don’t hold grudges, because they tend to laugh everything off in the end. Yard Gnome Shamans are mammothly indeed powerful, and while they don’t have a black hole, they do control mystical earthworms that can create wormholes in space-time.
August 16th, 2010 at 8:38 am | edit
rainfairy
2010/07/15 at 1:22 am
Intriguing!
Why was revenge not plotted and committed against the Yard Gnomes when they cast the Attic Clown’s parents as statues? With such a black heart, this only seems natural.
It was alluded to that a Yard Gnome Shaman holds enough power to end the Attic Clown’s life. Do they have their own black hole?
August 16th, 2010 at 8:38 am | edit
Fungus of the Heart Giveaway « slices of bizarro pie
2010/07/15 at 1:13 am
[...] 3. My alter ego, The Attic Clown, has been interviewed here and here. [...]
August 16th, 2010 at 8:39 am | edit
Paul Elard Cooley
shadowpublications.com
2010/07/14 at 9:56 pm
Um…yeah. The problem with the Attic Clown speaking is we have very little of Jeremy Shipp to go on. Then again, perhaps that’s because clown already ate his soul and Jeremy is really only a sock puppet.
But it’s possible that Mr. Shipp is really the attic clown in disguise. Hmm… The FiendMaster must ponder this little detail..
August 16th, 2010 at 8:39 am | edit
loretta8
2010/07/14 at 9:56 pm
I would love to say something witty and philosophical but all I can think of is my sudden craving for LSD and rubber chickens…
August 16th, 2010 at 8:39 am | edit
stacey
staceyigraham.blogspot.com
2010/07/14 at 9:34 pm
Dang it, he told me *I* could be the uberclown this time! Can’t trust Attic Clowns anymore *grumble*.
August 16th, 2010 at 8:40 am | edit
Sean Hoade
2010/07/14 at 8:27 pm
“Years after my death, my son will deny my heritage.” LOL
August 16th, 2010 at 8:40 am | edit
Elysabeth
elysabethwilliams.com
2010/07/14 at 8:24 pm
Clowns do nothing for me… my nemesis, I believe, are the Precious Moment dolls. Big, scary eyeballs.
August 16th, 2010 at 8:40 am | edit
littlefluffycat
thelittlefluffycat.com
2010/07/14 at 8:20 pm
Also if she fell when Kierkegaard leapt to her. And if she had anchovies in her pockets.
August 16th, 2010 at 8:41 am | edit
littlefluffycat
thelittlefluffycat.com
2010/07/14 at 8:19 pm
I wish you had asked him about Kierkegaard, who hurtled the abyss by leaping to Faith. I have always wondered who Faith was, and what became of her.
August 16th, 2010 at 8:41 am | edit
Raquel Vega-Grieder
skyla11377.blogspot.com/
2010/07/14 at 7:30 pm
This interview seriously brought back memories of two clowns I would not want to see again. The clown from Stephen King’s “It” and the clown from the movie “Poltergeist”. Thanks for making me remember such creepy clowns…..lol. Makes me glad I don’t have an attic or I might have to fear Jeremy’s Attic Clown. Mind you I am usually not afraid of clowns. Mr Attic Clown doesn’t hide in basements does he?….
August 16th, 2010 at 8:42 am | edit
Mike & Ike
twitter.com/itsmikeandike
2010/07/14 at 7:24 pm
One of these days, we will party with that clown.
August 16th, 2010 at 8:42 am | edit
Jeff Eyamie
twitter.com/eyamie
2010/07/14 at 11:40 am
Clowns didn’t scare me. Didn’t.
I was always more afraid of mimes. Attic mimes especially. Might be a tough interview but I’d love to hear from one.
August 16th, 2010 at 8:42 am | edit
Heather
doubleshotreviews.blogspot.com
2010/07/14 at 12:14 am
Dude, that clown is crazy scary! Definitely clown proofing my attic
August 16th, 2010 at 8:43 am | edit
Karrie Burnham
2010/07/13 at 9:57 pm
Yikes…I’m so scared of clowns!! :O
This interview was good. Jeremy is a creative genuis…Love it. 
August 16th, 2010 at 8:43 am | edit
LizzieBeth
lizziebeth95.tumblr.com
2010/07/13 at 4:45 pm
You know, I was always afraid of clowns as a child. Always managed to throw out any clown dolls that Mom and Dad gave me for my birthdays.
But it’s quite entertaining to be enlightened about The Attic Clown’s life and aspirations. Turning his parents into a pair of funny bones and transplanting them into himself . . . that is just wow.
Ironically, I’m not afraid of him.
Kudos to you, Slushpilehero, on such a lovely interview with him.
August 16th, 2010 at 8:43 am | edit
Micah
thedragonsroost.net
2010/07/13 at 3:07 pm
My sister has always been afraid of clowns. To avoid potential attic clowns, she converted her attic into the master bedroom. This worked fine until her brother pointed out that no matter how you dress the top room, it is still an attic.
Her mind shattered.
She’s in the process of selling said house and moving to a one level.
August 16th, 2010 at 8:44 am | edit
JohnnyH87
johnnyhellström.se
2010/07/13 at 2:04 pm
Great interview, but you forgot to ask him about the glands.
Hope he didn’t steal a piece of your soul on the way out.
August 16th, 2010 at 8:44 am | edit
Ey Wade
wade-inpublishing.blogspot.com
2010/07/13 at 1:13 pm
You know, I had forgotten I was afraid of clowns. Always thought they were creepy and now to know they are highly educated, inventors and frighteningly entertaining I must now revisit the locked trunk in my mind and bury this newly acquired knowledge within.
I applaud you on your bravery with this fantastic interview. Oh, don’t share my address with that clown.
August 16th, 2010 at 8:44 am | edit
tlbrink
tialbrink.com
2010/07/13 at 9:17 am
Yeah…I’m going to hide in my basement now. Very enlightening. Very disturbing. Good job, brave soul!