Tonight, I am lucky to have Bram Stoker Award nominee S. G. Browne as my guest. Enjoy — he is some kind of amazing!
Hi, Scott!
First off, I want to thank you so much for participating in this interview — you’ve been so nice, offering info for my “Shoes & Tunes” game and responding to tweets and stuff! You are awesome! I absolutely loved Breathers and can’t wait for your new book Fated to come out! It sounds great.
Enough chit-chat, though, let’s get to it. Ready?
ME: I have this group of “dirt indicator” lights on my vacuum cleaner that go from red to green, filthy to clean. I run the vacuum over the filthy spots until the light goes green (takes forever — dog hair). Do you think these lights really indicate the cleanliness of the carpet, or are they just part of some plan to get me to wear out my motor so I have to buy a new vacuum every six months?
SGB: It sounds to me like your vacuum cleaner suffers from an obsessive-compulsive behavior. I wouldn’t blame it on the manufacturer but would instead suggest getting your vacuum some therapy. Maybe a support group. Preferably one that doesn’t allow Swiffers.
ME: Would you be more likely to drive a Prius or a Hummer?
SGB: Definitely a Prius. (Long, drawn out pause as I try to decide if making a comment about never turning down a Hummer is unprofessional.)
ME: In a fight between that Dirty Jobs guy and Sean Hannity, who do you think would win?
SGB: Ooh, tough call. Mike Rowe’s more physically fit and used to getting dirty, but I’m guessing this wouldn’t be a fair fight, especially since Hannity works for FOX News, which is about as fair and balanced as a Ku Klux Klan rally. I’d put my money on Hannity.
ME: What’s the worst gift you’ve ever received? The best? Have you ever “re-gifted” something you totally hated?
SGB: Worst: A white, ceramic, kitty cat toothbrush holder and matching soap dispenser. For my 41st birthday.
Best: A trip to Europe . For my 30th birthday.
I only re-gift bottles of wine. Not much of a wine drinker. Give me a Guinness and I’m happy. It’s like a meal in a bottle.
ME: In every interview that I’ve read of yours, you never give the same answer to the tired old question: “Who is your favorite author?” Why don’t you just cut the crap and admit that you are your own favorite?
SGB: It’s so hard to pick just one. Stephen King is the reason I wanted to become a writer and he had a significant impact on my early writing, while Chuck Palahniuk has helped to inspire my dark, comic side. They’re both major influences. I can’t play favorites.
And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Peter Straub, F. Paul Wilson, Kurt Vonnegut, and Christopher Moore . While their influence may not have been as significant, that doesn’t make their contributions to my writing any less important.
ME: What’s the worst hangover you’ve ever had?
SGB: Alcohol or recreational drugs? You’ll have to be more specific. And stop yelling so loud.
ME: In accordance with your own criteria (see Scott’s blog), do you consider yourself a douche bag? What’s the most douchey thing you’ve ever done to someone?
SGB: In the words of John Merrick, I am not a douche bag. Though to clarify, I think we need to address the various douche bag behaviors. There’s the Egocentric Douche Bag, the Weightlifting Douche Bag, the Drunken Douche Bag, the Raging Douche Bag, and the Aging Douche Bag. I’m not aging or raging, I was always a happy drunk, I don’t pump iron or wear muscle shirts, and I balance out my enormous ego with a healthy amount of self-loathing.
As for the douchiest thing I’ve ever done to someone, let’s just say it involved a guy, a toilet, and a box of Saran Wrap.
ME: How did you become so freaking busy with all these conferences and stuff? How does that happen with writers? Is it fun? Have you ever had any other kind of job?
SGB: In today’s publishing climate, most writers need to spend a lot of time and energy selling themselves. Ourselves. Whatever. Which means going to bookstores, setting up signings, doing interviews, going to conventions, and networking. Lots of networking. You never know when or where you’ll meet someone who can provide an opportunity to help spread the word about your book. And hopefully, you can either reciprocate or pay it forward by helping someone else.
And yes, it’s fun. The writing. The signings. The interviews. Everything. I did have to learn to embrace the publicity part of being a writer, because it wasn’t a suit I was comfortable wearing. But now the suit is more like a T-shirt and a pair of shorts. And while it is work, it’s what I’m passionate about, which makes it as much pleasure as business. Especially the conferences and conventions. Writers are good people And no one understands a writer like other writers.
As for other jobs, I quit my job as a property manager in February 2009 so I could focus on writing and promoting Breathers. Before that, I was an office manager, an assistant producer in Hollywood , a driver, a waiter, an office assistant, and I worked for thirteen years doing the art and craft show circuit with a talented artist named Diane Wat.
ME: If you were in a Fight Club, who would you fight?
SGB: Hemingway. I’d like to kick his ass for being forced to read A Farewell to Arms in high school.
ME: Kids’ swim diapers: exceptional filtering systems or germ-spreading sponges that should keep anyone out of public pools?
SGB: Okay, I’m officially never going into a public pool again. And I’m feeling a little OCD coming on. Tell your vacuum cleaner to save me a seat at the support group.
To learn more about the extra-cool S. G. Browne, visit the links below:
Links
http://www.facebook.com/pages/SG-Browne/8908503099
http://twitter.com/s_g_browne
Okay, that’s all I’ve got. I hope Scott had some fun with these questions — I hope all you readers learned something today. Thanks again, Scott! I look forward to Fated! Definitely sounds like my kind of book! 
